And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. I was saying thats debatable. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. Or even more fun than you would. 2. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. But what upset me more is his reaction. Hes putting her down. When they are able to see the. I had the same experience at college! July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. 1. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. bittergaymark I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! I helped with yard work. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Heck yeah. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Tell them in detail what you like about them. Did we always get along? And musicals should be revered as an art form. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? Awesome. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. We are this little team of 2. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. But you know what? Hey, that kind of worked for me. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. I know that we all love the music from our generation. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Can I get a 'corona divorce' from my quarantined family? Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Hes embarrassing her. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Does he like the 80s music? The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. meadowphoenix My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. lets_be_honest People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. He is dedicated and hard-working. Anything! , so i guess it cuts both ways. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. Huge!! Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. No. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children So how did she find out about it? July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. Husband to Disabled Wife: Let Our Son Pick You Up, You're the Only One Your email address will not be published. I love it. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. And he is a loyal friend. painted_lady Talk about missing the point. I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. No. 1. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. bittergaymark doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Child Custody and Substance Abuse - Verywell Family Good luck! Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? That was my guess too. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. It struck me the wrong way, too. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. Tell her how much he appreciates it. Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. Are any of these familiar to you? I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. How so? Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. So, so not like me. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. Awesome show full of information. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. He. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. My parents listened to Oldies. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. Find a common ground youve got to. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. honeybeenicki Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Is It True? When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting He came home four hours later. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. bittergaymark My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. For instance my freshman daughter doesn't have a cellphone yet. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. Terms & Conditions . When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. And this is his responsibility too. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. lets_be_honest That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about!